I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
