"it" just moved
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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