I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
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i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
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I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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