Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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