In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
