oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
