'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
