it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
