I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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