i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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