Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He did a backflip because drugs
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