I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
She needs sedatives and a leash
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We're too hungover to prance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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