dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
A+ Viking dick
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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