Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
