ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
