What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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