And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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