so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
