I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
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Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
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Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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