My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
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