Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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