i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
