every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
