Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
