Swine flu. Run for my life!
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
