I will die if light touches me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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