TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You pole danced in your parka.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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