hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
