Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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