Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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