Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
