I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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