my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
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You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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