did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There are leaves in my underwear?
ok first of all what the fuck
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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