Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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