whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
