Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it hurts more in the daytime
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
