I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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