i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
