I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
