He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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