i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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