hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
