glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I smell stomach acid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
