Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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