dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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