I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
