if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
