dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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