if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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