I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
