I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize