to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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