hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
