I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
